What is adoption? That was my first question. We all know what the function is and the outcome, but what is it? No one tells us the emotions of frustration, confusion, happiness, sadness. Family (家) is one thing to define adoption. I was not raised by my birth family. I will not know who they are, what they do, or why I was not good enough. To me, family is the combination of people that love you and will do anything for you--no questions asked. 

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Another part of adoption is love (爱). Of course! What person does not think love is a part of adoption? At first, I did not. When I was younger, I thought that my family was forced to love me. Forced to put up with me and my differences. 

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Here's the tie, family and love were not words I believed went with 'adoption.' Yes, in name it is obvious, but not in feeling. Anger and longing were two words I connected to adoption. Anger at my family, but longing for their love (both adoptive family and birth family). What was wrong with me? Why would they not want to be with me? Family was unconditional love, no questions asked. 

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I loved my family, but did they love me? The majority of people love babies, so who would not love me then? But what happened when I was being bad? No one loved me then (or so I thought). I never, never wanted to be reprimanded, but I was--a lot. I remember thinking, "Is this the reason they did not keep me?" I did not know. I was confused and always wanted to test my limits. 

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I always thought my adoptive family did not like me because I got in trouble almost all the time. I never saw other cousins get in trouble like I had gotten in (which was a lie to myself). What was wrong with me? I thought I did not belong; my family was harder on me because I was different. 

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That is not the case. 

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It had taken me years to realize my family reprimanded me because they love me. They wanted to make me into a better person, even though I believed they could not. I foolishly believed there was no redemption for someone like me whose parents did not even love her. 

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Of course, I asked the adults why I was in trouble, they never gave me a real reason--only a recap of what I had done. It was a time where there was no questions. It was common knowledge I could not do something, but I had no idea what. 

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As I got older, I realized the social norms that I could and could not perform. Additionally, I gained a sense of trust in my family where they told me basic things that would keep me safe. I almost always questioned their reasons, but it was unnecessary. 

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Now, without getting into constant trouble, my family is always present. Whenever I am in need of something, they never question it. Love is something that I had always questioned. My family never questioned my love for them, as far as I know, but I questioned theirs. 

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Trust is something that is difficult to earn, but it should not be hard to gain when it is between family--it is innate. My adoptive family was the first thing I could put my trust in, but I had to question it. The question of family had been answered.

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No matter what, family loves you. It may not have been the family I was born with, but it is the family I was born to grow up with. Despite all of my insecurities and questions, my family loves me. They would do anything, no questions asked. 

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I am thankful to my family as they have given me clarity to what true family is. 

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They love me, no questions asked.