This year is coming to an end, but holidays are crammed into the last months of the year. The holidays. Where families meet to celebrate, eat food, and be together. But what does it mean for an adoptee? This time of year gives the atmosphere of 'thankfulness.' There are so many different things I am thankful for, but there is always one question I have for my birth parents:

 

"Thank you for everything or nothing?"

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What did they not give me? Their love, a family, a chance. There are a plethora of other words that they did not give me, but these are my top three. They had abandoned me without the knowledge of where I would go, who I would meet, and what would happen to me. The only thing they had given me was life, which is nothing when you do not have a purpose to live.

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However, what did they give me? Undying love, a new family, a second chance. Potentially, them giving me up could have ended disastrous, but it did not. They were betting on me having the opportunity to meet the family I have today. I am lucky to be one of the girls to have been adopted by someone.

 

So, what should I feel? My birth family gave me nothing--only life. But in reality, they also gave me my family. What can I thank them for? There are so many things they did for me, but also so many things they did not do. A constant push and pull, but in which direction?

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In the end, I know I still want to meet them. I want to know where I came from, but more importantly, I want to know the people  that I can thank. 

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I have to think about the amazing opportunities I have been given because they had given me up. Yes, there is always going to be a feeling of loathing, but it is toned down because when I look around, I have an amazing family that has and will always stay by my side. 

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So, I have decided to thank them for everything. Everything that I have gained and everything I will gain. It is hard to admit to thanking people that have left a scar in your heart, but what they did was the best thing that could ever happen to me. 

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You may be wondering why there is this random song on the right side of the page (or the bottom if it is mobile). Every time I listen to this song, I think about the longing to see the faces and hear the voices of the two people who gave me life. I feel it very fitting as I want to go back, be in their presence.

 

It is selfish to think that I want more than what is already given to me, but I truly do want to turn back time. If only once, I want to see them. I want them to know that I am doing well. That because of  them, I am blessed. 

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I know they will not read this, but there is one thing I want to say...

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"Thank you, for everything"