It is been a long time since I had last updated this website. Of course, there are no good reasons to the halting of my mind. However, nothing had inspired me to write. There were many different events that sparked my interest and given me topics to write about, yet I could not find what I truly wanted to discuss. 

​

This past year, my grandfather (who we dubbed Papa) had passed away. Papa is someone who you can describe as a real life angel. He was a caring man who cared for nothing but his family. I love Papa and I cannot wait to meet him in heaven! I know that is where he is spending the rest of eternity. When ever I think of Papa, my heartaches from the pain of knowing he is not with me, but also with overwhelming joy that he is finally free from any physical or mental ailes. Nothing can stop him from doing anything now!

​

This last month, I was on a journey with some of my favorite people on the planet. On Thursday, April 2018, my family and I traveled to San Francisco, CA to spread my Papa's ashes in San Francisco Bay. I was in a different plane as I am a student in Seattle and they live on the opposite side of Washington. We had flown on Southwest Airlines and had stumbled into multiple problems on the way. Still, we were able to find each other and go to dinner after a long day of traveling. After said dinner, a man was playing classical guitar and if anyone knew my grandfather, they would know the two were inseparable. The stranger faraway from us had been playing soothing music and we all had a feeling of nostalgia listening to him play. At this time, we were preparing to finally place his ashes in the bay but before we could, the stranger with the guitar began playing the song you hear now. This is a recording of another guitarist, but this song means a lot to me. The significance of "My Way" is that it was played at my grandfather's funeral and watching all of the memories we have of him. Many other events happened to show he was with the family and knew we were giving him a final resting place. 

​

We said our good-byes, some aloud and in our hearts, but felt he could finally be at rest. There are many times he has come to visit me in my dreams since then, but nothing could aid in my distress when he left the physical world. 

​

Of course I am upset, like many of the other people who loved him. It is also something that lies deeper in me. To be honest, I feel betrayed. Yes, I feel that my grandfather passing was a betrayal. Why? I am not sure. Perhaps it is because I was unable to control my grandfather's passing. Maybe it was him not telling me a couple days before so I could spend the rest of his days with him. 

​

What does it mean when you leave me? 

​

Leaving is a symbol of failure. It is a reminder of the things I should have done to spend more time with my grandfather. Generally, I realize there are so many different things I should have done to keep my grandfather here with me.

 

What did I do wrong? 

​

Truthfully, nothing. I had done nothing wrong, but the thought of someone leaving me stems a plethora of thoughts that I had done something wrong. Logically, I know there was nothing I did wrong, but it is still difficult to believe I had no hand in his passing. I feel betrayed mainly because my grandfather did not tell me what I could do to make it better. 

​

Regardless of the event or situation, leaving me will always feel like I was betrayed, that I had failed in responsibilities and expectations. This is not something everyone feels, but something I feel as someone leaves me in any form. 

​